Mother's Day
Okay, I was thinking and thinking about what to write. I thought I might talk about when I first met my beautiful daughter V, but though that was a wonderful unforgettable moment it just isn't what I wanted to share. I have been struggling with this mom thing lately and have been really hard on myself. I am trying to break the anger and abusive cycle that I was raised in, but it is a lot harder than I bargained for. I love V more than anything (except R). She is a treasure in my life that I could never wish away or replace with anything else. So why is it so hard for me? I love being a mom and being home with my angel, but it is also the most difficult thing I have EVER done in my life. I thought the early months were difficult, but the 2-3 ages have topped anything we have been through. I want V to know how much I love and adore her. She is so very special to me. She is so sweet and sensitive. She has the most kind and gentle spirit about her. When I am yelling she knows just the right time to say "Mommy, I love you." It melts my heart and makes me look at what I am doing. I know that I was blessed with this special spirit for a reason.
Okay, I was thinking and thinking about what to write. I thought I might talk about when I first met my beautiful daughter V, but though that was a wonderful unforgettable moment it just isn't what I wanted to share. I have been struggling with this mom thing lately and have been really hard on myself. I am trying to break the anger and abusive cycle that I was raised in, but it is a lot harder than I bargained for. I love V more than anything (except R). She is a treasure in my life that I could never wish away or replace with anything else. So why is it so hard for me? I love being a mom and being home with my angel, but it is also the most difficult thing I have EVER done in my life. I thought the early months were difficult, but the 2-3 ages have topped anything we have been through. I want V to know how much I love and adore her. She is so very special to me. She is so sweet and sensitive. She has the most kind and gentle spirit about her. When I am yelling she knows just the right time to say "Mommy, I love you." It melts my heart and makes me look at what I am doing. I know that I was blessed with this special spirit for a reason.
This is one of my favorites of us together!
I have also been struggling with the fact that I haven't been able to have another child. I know that there are more children out there for me, however I feel that the reason Heavenly Father is not blessing me with more is so that I can work through this trial. I keep telling myself that if I never have another child I have been truly blessed with V. Thank you for the opportunity to be a mom.
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
~Elizabeth Stone
4 comments:
You are a good mother! Victoria is lucky to have you! I've always known she was a sweet little girl!
karen,
do not dispair! by simply recognizing that the way you were raised was not good, you're well on your way to breaking that cycle. you are a wonderful mother--seriously! victoria is a sweet and creative little soul and will be an excellent big sister--whether it be sooner or later. (i have cousins who are 8 years apart and are still great friends!)
just keep plugging away and pray for patience to handle the dawdling, the whining, and constant requests for your time and attention :-). we'll all make it through together--that's what friends are for!
I hope you don't mind me chiming in. But I have to tell you that I love that picture. It is so precious. I also need to add that you are a great mother. I think it is normal for us to think that we are not doing enough but if you look at your kids and see how wonderful they are, you can see that you are doing alright. Victoria is such a little angel and she has to get that from somewhere.
Okay, so you did it.. I almost started to cry reading your blog. It is beautiful how much you love Victoria, you are a wonderful mother. Our babies do not come with instructions or a pamphlet to tell us how to raise them, I think what you are doing it such a great example, you are raising in the church and with tons of love. You are doing it right;)
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